The incident at the hotel

16 Jan

Most of you who know me would describe me as carefree, irreverent and somewhat wild.  When it comes to farting I am uptight, conservative and old-fashioned. I grew up in a bungalow with 3 older brothers and my father, outnumbered greatly.   Seeing as I was in a house full of men I was exposed to a lot of farting.  I just googled “average number of farts daily”  and science says the average person farts 15 times a day.  Now take the average of 15 X 4 (number of men in my house – I am leaving my mother and I out of this) and you get 60 farts.  I am willing to say that they were above average: Mom often made chili, baked beans and other carb rich dishes. Being exposed to 60 farts is enough to create a negative experience.

Recently I took a trip to NYC with my boyfriend (who I do not fart in front of).  We stayed in a lovely 290 square foot room in Midtown Manhattan.  290 feet does not leave a lot of room for freedom.  Thankfully we had the dog with us so that gave a great excuse to get out “I will take the dog out to pee – you stay here”. I am sure he was doing the same thing I was doing when left alone.  Due to the limited space our luggage was pushed into any available area – Maurice’s was at the foot of the bed and mine was beside the bed on a radiator.  Maurice was bent over looking for something in his suitcase when I realized I needed something in mine.  In order to get to mine I needed to slide along the end of the bed and swing the corner.   While sliding by I had to get around Maurice and when I tried to do so I put my hands on his hips and did something similar to what dogs do to other dogs at the park.  This set him off-balance and for some reason I decided to pull him backwards onto the bed and inadvertently on top of me.  I am taking a guess here but I would say Maurice weighs somewhere around 200 pounds.  The impact of a 200 pound man landing on you is quite intense.  When the impact occurred something happened… something BIG happened… gas which had been trapped inside of me for 4 days came rushing out.  I let out an enormous fart.  There was a moment of silence and then he said “was that a fart, was that a fart?”, my silence indicated the answer.  I jumped up off the bed and awkwardly took a big gulp of orange juice at the exact moment that Maurice said “that was the biggest fart I have ever heard” and began laughing harder than I have ever heard him laugh.  His reaction caused nervous laughter on my end – to make matters worse I was swallowing juice at that exact moment – it came out and sprayed all over the dog and the bed.  So, here I was spewing things from both ends.  I left my pride in that 290 square foot room in Midtown Manhattan.

Still embarrassed and signing off – not as “The Girl Who Played With Fire” or “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” but as “The Girl Who Let Out The Biggest Fart Ever Recorded”.



4 Responses to “The incident at the hotel”

  1. Andrea Hatfield-Beaton January 16, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Emilie, I could totally picture that happening to you! Love it.! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. Melissa January 16, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

    So glad you are writing a blog; I have been missing my Emilie stories!!! Too funny! Glad to hear you are well and haven’t changed a bit…miss you! xo

  3. Emma McKelvie January 17, 2013 at 12:22 am #

    Emilie I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in ages! Keep them coming! (The posts not the farts obviously)

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